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As the three of you who read this column already know, I took off last week to celebrate Thanksgiving. While enjoying my time off from the column, I was thinking of some things I could do with my spare time and what to do if this big-time columnist thing would ever come to a conclusion.
I can’t sing or dance, so that is out of the question. I don’t know any card tricks, and there isn’t much call for a professional “got your nose” guy because most adults already know it’s just your thumb tucked between your index and middle finger.
Most of my skills revolve around making up goofy stuff and putting it in the newspaper. What else could I do?
I’m going to run for president.
Apparently, from what I have seen from the major parties, you don’t have to know much about anything to do this. From what I can tell, all you need is name recognition and a little bit of money. I am known a little bit from this column and I might have a couple of bucks in a Chock Full O’ Nuts coffee can on the top of the fridge. I can have someone whip up a few posters and I am off to the races.
I don’t think I will run as a Republican or a Democrat. Independents rarely win elections, Libertarians mean well, but people think they are weird, and the Green Party doesn’t want me because they say they saw me dump a Dr Pepper in the river one time and didn’t believe it was a accident when my buddy Dewey shook the canoe we were in. I love the environment and I love Dr Pepper, so I knew this was a lot of bunk.
I don’t really know if any of the other parties would want me. Socialism really isn’t my bag, communism requires a lot of commitment and I’m not a big fan of communism or communists, so I don’t think I would be welcome there.
As it is today, the only party affiliations I have had are bachelor, birthday, retirement and surprise. I could run as the Surprise Party candidate. That way, if I actually won, it would be an incredible surprise. Not just to me, but to the American people. It’s not like it hasn’t happened before.
I don’t know if I would be any good at the debates. I don’t particularly like to argue, but I have a lot to say. I watched some of the debates during the last election and while I didn’t think I could do any worse, I don’t think I have much to add. That would really not cement me as the Surprise Party candidate if I didn’t come up with an actual, well, surprise.
I’m a middle aged white man. This really is not a surprise candidate in the United States. Maybe I could wear one of those things that you put in the palm of your hand that buzzes when you shake hands with someone. Of course, that might get a little old on the campaign trail.
I could kiss a battleship and break a champagne bottle over a baby’s head, but my wife says that’s not how that works. I’m new at this political game, so hopefully they are grading on a curve.
I’d need a clever slogan for the campaign. Most successful politicians have memorable slogans that resonate years later. President Eisenhower had “I Like Ike,” which was funny because he was named Dwight David because his parents did not like nicknames. He spent his career and most of his life being called Ike.
President Trump had “Make America Great Again.” Say what you will about it, but it worked and was on the lips of the whole country, whether you liked it or not. I don’t know what I would choose as the Surprise Party candidate.
• Weaver 2020 — “You Could Pick Worse.”
• Weaver 2020 — “A Third Less Filling Than Your Regular President.”
• Weaver 2020 — “C’mon, Just Vote For Someone Already, You’re Clogging Up The Line At The Machine.”
My wife suggested the following, being as I am running as the Surprise Party candidate:
• Weaver 2020 — “Ta Da!”
I take this time to announce my candidacy for President of the United States. If elected, I will serve to the best of my ability.
Like the rest of the candidates, that’s not much.
Joe Weaver, a native of Baltimore, is a husband, father, pawnbroker and gun collector. From his home in New Bern, he writes on the lighter side of family life.